Body, what is happening to you?

Yesterday, I couldn’t help but curl up in a ball and cry as my partner tried to comfort me. I know my friends have been telling me to be patient and to love my body even more, but I can’t seem to do it. I can’t help but feel broken. I can’t help but feel lost and hopeless.

I’m scared, and I don’t know what to do.

I tried to converse with my body – “Body, what is happening? Why are you taking my pleasure away from me? What did I do wrong?”

reenie confused about body– But it only left me with blank answers.

Masturbation used to feel enjoyable. It was my stress reliever, my body relaxant. But now? It only causes me confusion and frustration. Anger and depression. It’ll either be like this:

reenie getting ready to masturbate with siri


reenie masturbating on the bed with siri

reenie fell asleep with siri buzzing in between her legs

Or this:

reenie getting ready to masturbate with siri

reenie masturbating on the bed with siri

reenie losing sensation while masturbating

I would try to stimulate on the left, on the right; with pressure, without pressure; with strong vibrations, weak vibrations, but nothing would work. It would only feel good for the first couple minutes, then the sensation would disappear.

Sex is the same.

Ever since my partner learned about my situation, he’s been patient and gentle with me. He would take his time and make sure that I’m fine.

But even so, some unforeseeable time during the middle of our love making session, all of that build up sensation would disappear. My brain would be screaming, my heart would be crying, and I would be frantically looking for that pleasurable sensation to come back, for those tingly sensation to travel through my body again.

But my body wouldn’t react. It would refuse to obey.

My vagina would dry up within minutes, and sometimes, instead of the dryness, my vulva will either be having unknown external or internal pain.

So what is happening to me? What is my body trying to tell me?

I want my pleasure back. I want to be able to have sex without ending up crying in my partner’s arm and thinking that I should just give up. I want to be able to masturbate without ending up curling in a ball and thinking that my body is done.

But…I don’t know what to do, and I’m starting to feel annoyed with myself.

Maybe my body is going through some weird changes? Maybe I’m aging? Who can tell me?

I guess only time will tell, eh?


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  • Lena Charon

    Reenie, a lot of us have been in this exact situation. Before I was introduced to this sex positive community I felt all of the things above about my body. If there’s pain: see a doctor. That is, if it’s something that can’t be fixed with lube. You can also speak to them about the change in sensation. Also, for awhile just take the stress out of sex. You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to. If you feel pressured (by you or anyone else), don’t do it. Just take some time to finish your projects for school and do other things with your partner that bring you both joy. If you feel comfortable trying again, be gentle with yourself and remember to think outside the box and try different things.You’re not broken. I hope things work out. Xx

    • Reenie

      When I first had that pain, it was with lube, and I totally thought it was the lubes that were making my skin irritated. I still didn’t figure out exactly what’s causing the pain, but the pain resurfaced even without the lube. But just like you said, maybe it’s due to the friction…I don’t know. Will need to investigate more.
      I haven’t tried the lubes individually ever since, but I know I should… I’m just afraid of that pain, but I need to tell myself that maybe the lube isn’t the cause of it. uggghh! I hope things will work out too <3 <3 <3 Thank you Lena~

  • Dangerous Lilly

    There has to be a doctor, somewhere, that can diagnose the pain. Keep trying different specialists until one figures it out.
    Have you tried out more powerful vibes yet, or broad vibes? I don’t know what the answer is, but I suspect it’s going to take time, patience, trial and error and maybe even just a break from it all. It’s ok, we got your back. There’s a solution somewhere.

    • Reenie

      I actually didn’t try any mega powerful vibes, but I did try broad vibes, and that still doesn’t do it. Powerful vibes normally doesn’t make me feel very good, but I guess I can give it a try~ Also, Metis suggested a PFS (Pelvic Floor Specialist), and I found one near my area! So I think I’ll go check it out! <3 <3

      • Dangerous Lilly

        Oh good suggestion!! I hope they can help you!!

  • BlissfullyOrgasmic

    Aw hunni :(

    I can’t give you any definitive answers Suga, we’re all different and we all react differently to certain situations.

    Personally I believe you need time to yourself, relaxation time if you will. You’re always so busy hunni, with school and work. You barely have any time alone; time for you to reflect – you really need to concentrate on yourself for a while, relax and be patient.

    You know where I am hun if you ever want to talk/rant or anything! *Big hugs* xxx

  • Kate Sinclaire

    Oh love! You definitely need to take some time to just be ok with you right now. Sex (as you well know) is so connected to our brains, and when we’re stressed out, things don’t work like they did. In my stressful periods, I can’t even begin to think about masturbation or partner sex. I’m too distracted, I get caught up in my head, and things just end up feeling sad and pointless. I completely understand where you’re coming from and I’m so so so sorry to hear you’re there.

    If you have a professional to talk to, please do. Like a therapist or a counsellor more than a doctor. I’m glad your partner is being gentle with you, and let me know if you wanna chat about it. *hugs*

    You’re awesome, and you will get through all of this.

    • Reenie

      Thank you Kate <3 I really thought that I was alone in this, and I thought something weird was happening to me. But knowing that there are people that went and are going through this makes me feel, on one side, glad, and on the other side, sad. I'm so sorry you had to go through this too. It's really not fun…I just hope it went away faster u.u

  • Whitney M

    Poor Reenie. Have you been experiencing any depression lately? It can be linked to a lessening in pleasure from things that you would usually enjoy. Not just mentally, but physically as you have described.

    • Reenie

      I have no idea. I never really know when I’m depressed and when I’m not. A friend once told me that maybe I’ve been depressed for so long that depression is just a part of me, so that’s why I can’t distinguish it anymore. But…I don’t know. Maybe it’s depression. Maybe it’s stress. =/

  • Super Smash Cache

    I can’t give any advice for the pain or dryness, but I can say a few things about keeping a positive mindset.

    I know it’s easier said than done to be kind to yourself. I know sometimes when someone’s in a “down” phase, they might be worried about how long it will last. It’s a good time to remind yourself of the previous times you felt that way. All those times in life a problem occupied your mind, maybe in the moment it was so overwhelming that you didn’t know how to handle it, but your present self can look back in hindsight and see that you still made it through.

    And, while I don’t know your life, there’s a good chance that such situations turned out better than you expected. Working through what’s bothering you might take some time and trial and error, but it might also dissipate as randomly as it started happening.

    Look at how many of your followers/commenters who have been in a similar funk. I was recently in a funk. And I don’t know if this is the case for you, but I think part of the trap for me was thinking, “Gosh, things were so perfect before, and now things aren’t as great,” when it would’ve been more objective to realize that, you know, things weren’t perfect before. I still had days I didn’t get off with my partner, or I had other things on my mind during sex and the lack of orgasm compounded on already being upset, or he’d pull out at a really inopportune moment and I’d get cranky at him.

    The reason my comment is so long is because I was just about to start typing a longer post about my funk lol. I know I can’t relate to your experience 100%, but I definitely understand the feeling you’re describing. You’re definitely not alone. I hope things work out.

  • Heaven

    You are not the only one I get this way from time to time as well. It especially sucks because when I am camming everyday. Sometimes I am just not in the mood.

  • Craig Non

    My heart goes out to you reenie, you have a wealth of support here and it is very admirable and warming to see. As you have said, you do not feel whole, so if I might weigh in eventhough my insight might not carry too much weight, take some time off from sexual activities and replace it with another form exercise. 1) time off will heal physically if damage was done(do see a doctor though) 2) working out just like sex produces the same endorphins and will relieve stress and enhance your mood. Running, boxing, or other rigorous workout routines may help you center your mind and body as well as get self deprecating aggression out. You could tie that in with a meditation, tai chi or Pilates session to balance out. (Seems like a lot, I know I have been there and done all of it, but it did help me in my space)
    And for that BF of yours, I’m happy you got a good one! Take care and I know you will get over this with a little time and the right support.

  • Jpeg

    I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Just be patient and try not to stress yourself out too much about it. The closest personal experience I can relate to on this subject is just that when I’m depressed, I can’t masturbate. It kills everything. I’ve had times during masturbation where I’d suddenly get depressed and just had to stop. It sucks but hang in there!

  • Fabiana Green

    Oh no! Sorry to hear you are going through this. It sucks! It keeps happening to me, too. Sex and masturbation will suck for a while, but then the suckiness goes away and things go back to normal again. I don’t think I’m doing anything different. I want to enjoy sex all of the time, and not just most of the time. It seems like the consensus here is to visit a doctor. Eh that’s not really in the cards for me, but I’m grateful that it does go away. I really hope you are able to get this taken care of once and for all!

    • Reenie

      I’m sorry you’ve been going through similar things =( I sadly also haven’t had the chance to go to a doctor, but I think I will as soon as I’m done with all the school work =(

  • Kaboom

    If you ask me… It sounds like you just need a bit of a break from sex and stuff. It also sounds to me that you’re very stressed and, basically, out of it right now… Continue to take care of yourself, okay? Don’t push yourself too hard, and I hope it all works out for ya. Just make sure you take a day or two, assuming you do it every day. Could just be you getting desensitized from it all.

  • Sophie Rose

    When I was about 28 or 29 years old I started to experience the exact same thing as you. I went to the doctor and he asked me if maybe I was having relationship problems. Uh…no.

    As time went on, my body started to have more symptoms… I was more emotional than normal, angrier… I started losing hair, and then my period started getting irregular…. Finally, it stopped. At age 31. Premature menopause…. Ovaries and thyroid stopped working. This changed everything for me.

    So the initial pain with sex and dryness was a result of a major shift in hormone production for me. Because I was so young, I was treated with artificial hormones and that stopped the dryness and pain. So….have your hormone levels checked out. I think you are close to the age I was when this happened to me.

    For me, things have improved dramatically after a diagnosis and treatment of Lyme Disease about three years ago. I was menopausal for close to ten years and then my period started happening again about 8 months ago…. at age 40. My hormone function has improved and my sex life is better than it has ever been, both with my husband and alone.

    So….yeah… Ugh. Overshare. But get your hormones checked out! It can happen way earlier than you expect and there is a way to get treatment. It sucks when your body doesn’t behave and do what you are used to it doing….. I’m sending you warm, healing vibes.

    • Reenie

      Do I go to a doctor and ask them to get my hormones checked? Or should I go to a gynecologist? I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. It’s seriously not fun, and I’ve been quite frustrated recently with how my body is acting. I’m also starting to feel pain even when I’m just sitting, which is very weird. It’s very similar to a menstrual pain, but I’m not menstruating @_@.

      It’s great that you are fine now!

      • Sophie Rose

        **I am not a doctor or medical professional. I am writing purely about my own ongoing health journey. **

        I don’t want to alarm you with the worst case scenario. I think maybe my mind went to the medical explanation because of my personal experience. Our systems are rather delicate…. All the things that actually go into good sexual function are myriad. Stress or previous trauma can sometimes be the culprit. If you are in the middle of finals or completing your thesis or working on a huge project or perhaps your family connections during the holidays …… all of these things could be overpowering your sexual pleasure.

        If you have thought about all possible factors and you are ready to start looking medically, personally, I would start with the OBGYN. Ask for her opinion and ask if she thinks a hormone function test would be a good option. Include the pain you are feeling…. every possible symptom to help narrow it down for her. Do not let anybody tell you that you are imagining it and dismiss your concerns. Your sexual function is very important and worthy of investigation.

        In my experience, most doctors… the specialists and the general practitioners are uncomfortable delving into anything related to your ovaries /uterus/vagina/vulva. I don’t know why the sexual function issues were ignored in my case …..I’m from a small town maybe? Perhaps women’s sexual function isn’t important enough to really take seriously for them? Maybe because mental health is really a possible explanation so they prefer that rationale? In all honesty, I was treated dismissively until my menstrual cycle ceased, so I have a negative viewpoint about that.

        I have also found that I am my own best advocate for my body and health. If you are proactive and do some research, doctors are mostly willing to listen to your thoughts and ideas. They will usually take what you have to say and, if it seems reasonable, they will try to accommodate and ask for the tests you request.

        Advocate for your body and health. Don’t be discouraged. Keep asking and find your answers because sexual function matters.

  • Hannah Jorden

    Hi Reenie-
    based on what you’ve said in your post and in some of these comment threads, I highly recommend the book Healing Painful Sex by Deborah Coady and Nancy Fish. It’s kind of like a manual for solving your own crotch mysteries, and it gives tons of great clues and tips for how to work with health care professionals and advocate for yourself so that you get the best care possible. :) It’s definitely one of those sexual health books that’s written from a heteronormative, 100% cis-centric perspective… but the pleasure positive philosophy and medical information still make it a must read for anybody who’s dealing with genital/sexual/pelvic pain mysteries. Shoot me an email or fb message if you want to talk more. -Hannah @ Smitten Kitten

    • Reenie

      Oh! Thank you for introducing this book to me! I’ve added it to my cart, and will definitely take the time to read this. <3

  • Inquisitive Clam

    I’ve had some sexual issues lately, too. I don’t experience pain with sex, but my interest in sexual activity is sometimes nonexistent. When I do have partnered sex, it’s almost impossible to reach orgasm, and I might have an orgasm 10-20% of the time. I’ve become so frustrated that I’ll be ready to stop once he finishes because thinking about the effort it takes for me to climax is emotionally exhausting. I was crying after sex occasionally, but even if I don’t cry, having sex makes me sad. I definitely feel emotionally disconnected, and I’m pretty sure my issues are related to depression (although I haven’t seen anyone and currently am not taking medication). We have sex so infrequently that it makes me sad, but it’s also kind of a relief because I don’t have to worry about not having an orgasm. I know my partner wants to help me get there, but I just don’t have the energy. I don’t care that much if we don’t have sex, which isn’t how I want our relationship to be.

    Since you have pain, the obvious answer is to see a doctor – or maybe more than one – to try to find the source of the pain. If you’ve tried several lubes lately and have pain no matter what, then I wouldn’t think the lubes are the problem. Your lack of interest definitely could be related to depression, but physical pain could be caused by something else. I’ve also fallen asleep while masturbating recently.

    Whatever you decide to do, I hope things get better and you can have pleasurable sex again. I’m sure it’ll take time and that you’ll feel frustrated, but I wish you all the luck with your doctor(s).