Lingerie is a clothing category I never dared to touch. Just look at the advertisements or pictures out there – the people wearing them have boobs, have curves.
Me? I don’t have boobs or curves.
Whenever I had a piece of lingerie on me, I looked like a kid wearing clothing that is too big for me, and I looked horrendous in it. I looked like someone that wore the wrong suit on the wrong day in the wrong size.
However, one thing that’s different about lingerie from suits is that I can hide it behind clothes. I can hide my tiny barely existent boobs behind the scarcely fitting push-up bras and pretend to the world that “Hey! I have boobs!”
Yes. Boobs that can’t even fill up a 32A which, according to standards, are the smallest size that should ever exist. And this made me so ashamed.
I was so ashamed that when I took my clothes off, I hid my body from myself. I hid my breasts from myself. Scared to be constantly reminded that my boobs are abnormal, that I need to grow them up so that they can fit the social norm. I was so ashamed that when I took my clothes off, I hid my body from others. I hid my breasts from others. Scared to show the ones seeing me naked that I am a fraud, that what I have under my clothing is all fake.
I can totally just wear sports bra or a plain bra from the children section, I mean, I’ve been told multiple times that it’s the section I should be shopping in for my lingerie, but I don’t want to. It’s just different. They are plain.
I want my lingerie to be colourful. I want flowers, and ribbons, and laces, and decoration. Like Agent Provocateur style.
I’m left to envy those that have the body to wear the pretty lingerie out there. So often, I would look at pictures, or advertisements, and wished to have a body like that. A body that’s adequate enough to wear this fashion that I so desire. So I forced myself to not pay attention to lingerie. I forced myself to forget that this is even fashion.
Occasionally though, my desire takes over my brain, and I start to believe that maybe, maybe this lingerie will fit me. Then I make a purchase that hits me right back on the head to remind me just how wrong I am.
One day, Pantophile Panic wrote something about “wearing correct bra size” on Twitter, and I got extremely curious. My hope spiked up and I immediately contacted them, thinking that maybe I’ve been doing it wrong all this time and that there’s a size out there that can actually fit me.
They guided me through the process, and after figuring out my true bra size, I was a little bit surprised. “30C?” I thought. There’s nothing smaller than 32A in the market, so where the hell am I going to find smaller sizes? I was in such disbelief that I asked around about this, and many replied “Well, yes, they exist!”
So I went out to different lingerie shop in my area to try the size out, but guess what? Not a single shop in my area carried the size I was looking for. Sadness and disappointment hit me again, and I thought “Reenie, you know what? Stop. Just stop. Why can’t you get it that this is not meant for you?”
For a whole long while, I again tried to forget about lingerie. I again made stupid purchases, and I again got reminded just how wrong my body was.
I tried desperately to find ways to make my boobs grow bigger by eating tons of papaya, and buying boob-growing serum, but nothing actually worked. It was all just a waste of money, and I slowly convinced myself that this is a lost cause. That I will be forever stuck with bras that never actually fully grasp my boobs. That I will be never able to wear lingerie the way they do.
I tried again, and this time it’s even worse. The first digit of my band size isn’t even a 3 anymore. It’s a 2, as in 26D. Twenty-six! Just seeing that number made my heart sink to the bottom of the ocean. I can’t even find 30. Where the hell am I going to find 26?
I started Googling, and of course, not a single place sold anything in the size 26.
Then I got angry, and I started to believe that all of this is impossible. Why is it that I’m so different and that nothing can fit my boobs? I can’t be the only one on earth with barely existent boobs that can’t fit in these standard sizes! I started looking around, looking at more lingerie, and lingerie reviews hoping to find someone that carries the same fate as me. Since I couldn’t find anything, I carried my inquiry to Facebook. There, Sangsara linked me to this, and it changed my life.
This place not only made me understand why my first sizing with the method Pantophile used (30C) is different from the second sizing method Beck used (26D), but it also made me see just how many out there are struggling with the same issue. It also showed me tons of different shops that carry the size 28 such as the Little Bra Company, ThirdLove, and there’s a whole list of them here. Of course, it’s definitely not size 26, but I’m hopeful. I’m so hopeful, that I’m ready to give all of this a try again.
This time, maybe, I won’t be pulled back down again. Maybe this time, this dream of mine will finally see the light of day.
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